My Story: From Childhood Trauma To Healing
When I think of my childhood, I think of a very few fond memories mixed with a lot of sad ones. I remember fishing with my grandpa with my Mickey Mouse fishing rod. And I remember crying because my Daddy didn’t want me.
Like so many others, my mother was a single mom, having left my Dad when I was 3 years old due to his excessive drug and alcohol abuse and physical violence. She worked often; sometimes working 3 jobs just to get by. We lived in crummy trailers and subsidized housing, and I ate more TV dinners than I can remember.
Being an only child I was often left alone to my own devices. Most of the time I was sent to my room and told to be quiet. Sometimes I was allowed to come out with the adults, but I had to be sure to be “seen and not heard.” I was a very lonely child. I was empathic and had a high IQ, and often noticed more than my young mind could comprehend. I was highly sensitive and internalized a lot.
My mother was not a particularly loving or nurturing person. I now know that this was neglect. She slept often and was mean, unpredictable, and angry most of the time. I secretly named her the “Sleeping Dragon.” Reading was my only escape, and luckily I became a great reader at an early age. I began reading epic novels like The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings when I was in 4th grade.
My mother remarried when I was 9 years old and we moved to Idaho to start a new life. Even though I liked my step dad, we weren’t very close. I thought of him not as a dad, but as the man that lived in my house. Not having my father in my life devastated me and I dealt with abandonment issues for years.
Being innately curious and frequently bored, I often found myself in trouble. I began to believe what I was told- that I was a ‘bad girl’. I constantly sought attention and approval outside of myself. I desperately wanted to be loved. Being alone so much grew my vivid imagination. I made up stories and I began to tell lies often.
By the time I was 15 years old, I had lost my virginity, skipped school, smoked weed, drank alcohol, and been raped several times, including being violently gang raped by a group of Bosnian men. At 16 years old my mother forced me to drop out of high school and sent me to live with my grandparents in California.
By 19 years old I ended up back in Idaho, pregnant with twins. I was married at 20, gave birth and divorced by 21, having experienced rampant cheating and physical abuse from their father several times before finally deciding to leave him.
Having my kids is what turned my life around. I wanted things to be different for them. I made it my sole purpose to be the best mother I could be. I worked hard, put myself through massage school and became a licensed massage therapist. Years later I went on to get a University degree, and eventually started my own business.
Now I am a successful entrepreneur, with a passion for healing and a real calling to share that healing with others. I have a loving family and wonderful friends. I am so grateful for how far I’ve come.
Part of what got me here today was my insatiable desire for love and healing. I knew that I had this darkness inside of me. I didn’t love or accept myself. I went to so many therapists, read so many self help books, listened to so many inspiring podcasts, that it became my life. I got massages and energy work and acupuncture. I started a spiritual practice. I sought healing eagerly. I wanted to know why- why my mother treated me the way she did. Why my father abandoned me. Why I couldn’t seem to find a healthy relationship.
I finally figured out the answers to those questions when I began to work on myself. I slowly started to take my power back. I learned what I did and did not have control over.
By letting go of my story of victimhood, I became the hero of my own life. By healing and releasing all the pain I held, I transformed the very core of my being.
It took years of self reflection, dedication, therapy, and constant struggle to get to a place of self love and freedom. It wasn’t easy. I just put one foot in front of the other, pointed to the direction I wanted to go, and told myself to walk. I’ve been walking this path for the past 10 years and I will continue walking. I know now that even though I’ve reached my destination- happiness and self love, it still requires effort to keep moving forward.
I now see that the possibilities are endless for me. I used to believe that I was worthless. That I wouldn’t amount to anything. I thought I wasn’t smart enough, good enough, or rich enough to accomplish my dreams. I believed all the lies that I was told, until one day I didn’t I decided to ask ‘what if?’ What if my life could be what I wanted? What would it look like to start my own business? What would it look like to travel the world? What if I could do those things?
I started to make plans and write them down. I started to visualize myself achieving my goals. I asked the universal life force energy to guide me. I let go of trying to micromanage all the ways these things would come and instead started setting my intentions and allowing them to manifest in divine timing.
Most importantly, I found my passion and my purpose. It’s been said that passion is what lights you up, and purpose is how you use that passion to light up others. I hope that my story inspires you to find your passion and purpose to ignite and create the life you desire, and more importantly, to use that for the greater good of all.